Being Around People Isn’t The Same As Feeling Connected

As I write this in June, Scotland is trying to act like it’s summer, and I’m sitting outside in the sun, feeling its warmth (even though I’m still wearing a jacket and a blanket). June is Pride month, and after the recent elections, it feels as important today as it was back in the 80s. It seems like discrimination, labelling and feeling like you have to answer to others are becoming more common. The 15th of June marks the start of Loneliness Awareness Week, which is especially fitting now that there seems to be a disconnect in the world, often going hand in hand.

There’s so much happening in the world right now. Conversations about identity, belonging, community and acceptance seem to be everywhere. Channel 4’s Tip Toe, written by Russell T Davies, is highlighting some of the experiences many people within our communities continue to face. For some, it feels like we’ve taken several steps backwards.

At the same time, we live in a world where we are more connected than any generation before us could have imagined. Fifty years ago, the idea that we could instantly communicate with people across the world, share our thoughts with hundreds of people at once or carry a device in our pocket that gives us access to almost limitless information would have sounded like science fiction.

Parents talking about feeling isolated despite spending their entire day around other people, there’s a wealth of information out there for parents, yet we’ve lost the space to sit down and have meaningful conversations with other parents. They’re scared about being judged, thought of as a ‘bad’ parent or struggling, yet we’re protective and don’t allow others to help parent, it takes a village to raise a child!

It is also worth noting that young people who can connect with many people online but still feel isolated are often getting false dopamine highs. Parents are concerned about this, but sometimes, by being too protective, children miss out on the chance to have unstructured social time with their friends, potential friends or even acquaintances.

We are all, whether we realise it or not, looking for a sense of belonging, which is why we join clubs. The feeling of being able to be yourself without constantly worrying about whether you are too much, not enough, too different, too emotional, too quiet, too loud or somehow doing it wrong. We want to be seen, accepted and validated. The feeling that if you were honest about how things were, you wouldn’t be immediately judged, corrected or told how to fix it.

Over the years, I have noticed that people often feel relief long before anything has actually changed. Not because the problem has disappeared, but because someone has listened and responded with something as simple as, ‘I’m not surprised you’re feeling that way.’

There is something powerful about feeling that your experience makes sense. Gaining understanding of why you feel the way you do… why you react the way you do… why your child might respond the way they do. Brings relief, connection … and a way forward.

When that happens, people often seem to sit a little differently. Breathe a little differently. The problem may still be there, but they no longer feel quite so alone with it.

Maybe that is what connection really is, having places where we can show up as ourselves and know we will be met with understanding rather than judgement.

Your story is your story.

Sometimes we just need a little space to begin figuring things out.

Mike offers one-to-one counselling for adults and children, in Cawdor, near Inverness, and online.

Along with counselling, Mike can also offer various workshops.

Figuring Things Out…for Early Teens

Figuring Things Out…Secondary School

Helping Parents and Teachers Navigate Challenges

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The thoughts and insights we share here come from common themes and experiences we see in counselling, education and wellbeing work. They are a collection rather than the story of a single individual.